| i'm going to start writing again in my xanga. i want somewhere to jot down my current thoughts when i'm unable to share them with those that i love talking to.
it's 2:37am. and i figured why not start now?
i am currently battling a ridiculous sickness, but for the good of my future, i needed this starting line.
This weekend at my house has been one for the record books.
There has been more people over and partying has never hit this high before.
At first, i was kinda sad since i was looking forward to a quieter weekend, especially trying to get better from my death sickness of 2 weeks.
Instead, God used it to revamp my life and give me more passion and desire for Him. It really has been a culmination of the past two weeks that i've come to this point in life. on another note it was Russell's b-day weekend. and we did a twofer with Grant's bday which is later this month.
anyways, this weekend has completely changed my recent view of abstaining from alcohol for a new reason.
why???
well, let me share what the past two weeks looked like...
So after my lovely gf leaves for home, i immediately come down with flu mcgee.
the most ridiculous migrains with aches ever. i felt like shooting myself cuz my head hurt so much. as you could imagine along with the chills and fever that come with the flu, i was in a pretty crappy state.
i pretty much just tried to drink fluids while laying in bed and trying to get better, i also popped the advil/motrin/ibuprofen like nobodies business trying to negate my headache, which barely worked.
unfortunately this was the first week of school.
but fortunately, i'm glad it was this week...errr...week(s) rather than later in the quarter. During my time in bed, i managed to watch a disgusting amount of movies. This coupled with the staring on my side watching whatever was going on. usually it was to the effect of Grant playing poker.
i realized he spent so much time playing and studying the game (watching videos) and just plain devotion to the game. it made me think...i saw a bleek comparison to my own spiritual life as of recent, and i saw a sickening thought that i just didn't match up nearly as close as him with poker...and that's sad. My own lack of devotion to God was making me sick as i saw how i didn't spend my time as wisely as i knew i should have been.
This was something i wanted to change. of course, it would have to wait till i could read and fully function. i then realized how my inability to really focus hard was an excuse until i could get better.
this got me scared. i was scared to return to full health and thus be responsible for my irresponsibleness to reading the Word. i know this was foolish, but i was just scared of returning to being responsible...
soon, i saw how this was so much like how i didn't want to grow up and stay dependent, but then realizing how utterly wasteful of life it would be. a life in which nothing was gained/accomplished.
this got me thinking. when i get better, i'm going to have no excuses anymore.
it's all on me then.
what am i going to do? am i going to rise to the challenge and overcome and seize the day? or am i going to fail miserably and hesitate letting myself down again.
after hearing Britt talking about not being a drifter. and hearing Piper preach about why we need to change and get out to spread the gospel i was feeling pretty guilty of my own failure. Their sermons echoed in my head as the week turned into weeks.
this is now 2 full weeks with this crap sickness. And honestly, i'm happy God allowed this to hit me. It took something this drastic to pull me from where i was at in life and i needed it. of course my sickness has changed from the headaches to now a ridiculous cough, but in the thick of it, God has given me plenty of blessings.
The reason for the joy of resisting the temptation to drink was the fact that...
People around me took notice this weekend, they asked questions as to why, and i'm overjoyed (now) at saying, " yeah, i don't drink. " i think it's the fact that for so long now, i've felt on the fringe of my friends because they're all able to drink and i honestly feel left out.
my roomies know and they love me, but i'm out of the loop.
now it's not that i don't want to drink, but i know that it doesn't do anything for my witness except tarnish it. eventually i will one day be legal, and then i'll be able to partake in some alcohol, but until then, i'm doing my best to say no.
Jesus wasn't exactly loved by everyone, and yeah, following him probably entails leaving the crowd and going against the grain. and that's when you know you're on the right path. when your path and the worlds are two opposite directions. it seems fun to drink, and hey, it seems cool, but i don't want to stand before God and be like, "yeah, about those times in college when i drank. my bad." Confidently i know that i don't want to be held in account for foolish things i could change. The main thought learned from reading the Word tonight was that
"the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7
still, it surprises me how true the power of Scripture is when you allow it to speak to you. i sat down and read a few chapters from proverbs before the party got it's 2step on and i thought to myself, if i don't take in this wisdom, if i fail to adhere to the warnings right in front of me, then i'm going to regret it for the rest of my life.
i guess i'm reading more so that i can one day be on fire like that of John Piper. Or maybe it's cuz i know i need to be feeding myself more consistently. Or maybe it's because i need to be a better leader and witness to those around me. There's countless reasons why i need it. <<pick one and get on with your life sir.>>
So after reading the Word. I began to feel confident in the knowledge of the hope that has been given to me. It didn't bother me that i was alone. It gave me more strength knowing that i'm not alone in Christ. How key was the Word and It's power. I was able to keep my witness and God saw me through everything and even gave me an awesome new acquaintance who i hope will be an outlet to share the gospel with in the near future.
the Word. really amazing how transforming it is. i read 3 chapters....and that was more than what i needed to hear to give me strength to go out there and be fearless.
i need to know what reading the rest of it daily will do to a life. the result is impossible to gauge now.
So anyways, in a summary...God has changed my life through my sickness. Praise Him (for my sickness)!
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i was going to use this analogy after as a point to show how bangs increase a girls attractive scale in the way God just increases me. but then that doesn't really make too much sense or does it do God any sense of justice, so i decided to drop the whole analogy and just decided to put it up here anyways to ridicule my roomie. =p much love grant.
My analogy is the present issue of bangs. yes, bangs. the hair that girls drop in front of their face to fiddle with and pull back while talking or even just letting it hang there. My roomate gives a girl +5 on his scale of 1-10 if they posses this feature so you could potentially be 15...wow impressive are those bangs. but most girls that he notices, it's usually a 0+5 or 1+5. so 5 or 6. =| but simply this was a bad analogy and tangent. anyways, |
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| ayo.
lots of stuff.
life is hard.
and everything in between.
uber hard. |
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| it's starting! yay!!!
o wait. that means hw.
NOOO!!!!
but i get to hang out with friends from SB again.
YAY!!!
ok that's all. |
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